I am a firm advocate for trans rights and always strive to respect individuals’ preferred pronouns. However, a recent situation has left me conflicted. A family member has requested that everyone use the pronoun ‘‘they’’ when referring to her, even though she does not identify as trans or nonbinary. When questioned about her choice, she explained that she uses ‘‘they’’ in solidarity with the trans and nonbinary community.
I find myself grappling with this request as it appears to go beyond requesting respect for her identity and veers into mandating a specific form of activism. If I were to display a ‘‘Black Lives Matter’’ poster, I would not expect everyone to do the same. While I believe in honoring individuals’ preferences, I am uncertain about this particular situation.
Reflections from the Ethicist: When we use the correct pronouns for trans or nonbinary individuals, we are honoring their gender identity and preventing misgendering. It is not merely about complying with individuals’ requests but rather acknowledging and respecting who they are.
It is essential to consider the intention behind your family member’s request for solidarity. If she identifies as cisgender and is using nonbinary pronouns as a symbol of support, it may inadvertently diminish the struggles of those who have fought for recognition of their gender identities. Solidarity should not involve appropriating identities but rather standing alongside and uplifting marginalized voices.
By treating pronoun usage as a choice detached from identity, your family member’s approach may be perceived as insensitive or trivializing the experiences of those within the trans and nonbinary community. True solidarity involves understanding and respecting individuals for who they are, rather than adopting their identifiers without the lived experiences that accompany them.
