Letter to the Ethicist
My partner and I have formed a close friendship with a remarkable single father who is truly dedicated to his children. However, he faces financial challenges, living with a modest income, considerable debt, and ongoing stress related to money matters, even though he owns their small home outright. Over the years, we have offered him unsolicited financial assistance in the form of small to medium-sized gifts and have made it clear that we can act as a no-interest lender in emergencies. He has graciously accepted our help a few times and has consistently repaid us in installments.
Currently, the kitchen in their home is in such a state of disrepair that certain parts are practically unusable. According to him, a partial remodel would significantly enhance their quality of life. My partner is eager to provide him with a substantial sum of money to facilitate these repairs, with the expectation that it will be used specifically for that purpose. I, too, believe that having a functional kitchen would greatly benefit them, but I also recognize that our friend may have different priorities. He might prefer to use the funds to reduce his debt load, treat his children to something special, or allocate the money in a manner he deems fit.
I worry that giving this money with specific conditions attached could come off as controlling or patronizing. I would be comfortable suggesting: “We estimate that a partial kitchen remodel would cost this amount. Please feel free to use it for that purpose or for whatever you feel is most important.” My partner argues that attaching conditions to this gift would be no different than giving a family a new car or a generous gift card for a specific store. However, I contend that if our friend has other needs, he could at least sell the car or exchange items from the gift card for cash.
Since we share ownership of all our financial assets, this decision will ultimately be a joint one. What are your thoughts on this situation?
Response from the Ethicist:
Let’s delve deeper into the car analogy. Imagine you’ve expressed a need for a new sedan, perhaps even a specific model that has caught your eye, but you’re short on funds to make the purchase. Then, on your birthday, your affluent and kind-hearted friend Mary surprises you with that very model as a gift. Would you feel offended by this gesture?
While it may imply that Mary has more financial resources than you, you’ve never hidden that fact, and she has previously leveraged her wealth in ways that have benefited you without causing any friction between you. Indeed, generosity can create a sense of moral obligation, but this only becomes problematic if it leads to a dynamic where the donor feels superior to the recipient.
Thus, the gift doesn’t need to come across as demeaning. As for the aspect of control: by gifting you the car instead of handing over the cash equivalent, Mary has made a decision on your behalf. Perhaps this isn’t what you would have chosen to do with that money. But if you accept the gift, you should do so in the spirit of generosity in which it was offered. A friend is trying to assist you by providing something you have expressed a need for.
